10 Steps To Aging Really Quickly
1. Frown and scowl as often as possible. This is perfect for permanently creasing your forehead and face, for those much desired wrinkles.
2. Complain loudly and often. You’ll be rewarded with a downturned mouth which adds at least 10 years to your face.
3. Smoke and drink heavily as much as possible as these are proven perfect skin coarsening strategies.
4. Overeat whenever possible, taking care to choose the fattest, most sugar-laden options, so your body achieves a satisfying middle age spread. Groan loudly when sitting or standing up for extra effect.
5. Never move more or faster than absolutely necessary so your body settles into old age shuffle sooner.
6. Refuse to learn anything new, and emotionally blackmail others into doing things for you. Soon your brain will slow to the point you won’t have to pretend.
7. Steadfastly refuse to express interest in anyone else but yourself. That, combined with steps 1 and 2, guarantees loneliness which is proven to hasten your demise.
8. At least 20 times a day, repeat to yourself: “I can’t.” The ensuing sense of helplessness, or overwhelm if you practice hard enough, will ensure you feel at least 80.
9. Refuse to set goals of any kind, apart from your next meal, and focus firmly on the Past, particularly those times others wronged you. This loss of interest in the Future is particularly helpful in the aging process.
10. Consistently express regret about having another birthday and under no circumstances allow celebrations to occur without complaint. Remember to be ungrateful for gifts too.
If you follow these 10 steps you are guaranteed to feel much older than your body, and find your way to Heaven much sooner.
p.s. Ignore those who claim they can create Heaven on Earth by doing the exact opposite. You know better, don’t you?
p.p.s Or, if you’d like assistance reversing all of the above, contact me to discover how easily I can help you make the changes you want to see in your life.
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